#3 YOUR ATTITUDE AND PERSONALITY STYLE HAVE A HUGE IMPACT IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP:
AS ATTITUDES IMPACT YOUR RELATIONSHIP, SO DO YOUR PERSONALITIES NEED TO FUNCTION IN A HARMONIOUS WAY:
Our personalities are made up of of several factors. First, we inherited a genetic disposition which we are hard pressed to change. This disposition does change over time and usually reflects our deeply rooted past and more recent experiences. Secondly, our childhood and youth experiences along with our cultural influences have had a huge impact on who we are. Thirdly, the hurts, discouragements, or successes we have experienced greatly impact who we have become. Finally, who we have respected or modeled throughout our life directs much of our personality. We are influenced by these factors whether we accept them or not. It's common for people to think differenty of themselves than others do. The more we are in touch with what our personalities really are, the more we can be in control of who we become! This is not a matter of being self critical but a matter of "understanding" your perspectives, responses, and feelings. These qualities are best understood through mature parents, honest friends, or anyone who really cares for you and can be honest. I'm not talking about finding fault or being critical of yourself, but understanding your true abilities, tendencies, weaknesses, and the way you typically respond to things which confront or challenge you.
Our attitudes comes out of our personality. These issues are not a matter of looking for good or bad, right or wrong, perfection or imperfection, but are looking for the ways you can grow as a person. Do you easily misunderstand things, get angry, become critical, give up, or become competitive? As you are more aware of your real personality, you can better control your attitudes. As you understand how you respond to issues in life, you can better understand how to approach life itself.
When a couple better understands these things about themselves and their mate, there is a greatly increased ability to understand each other and get along in a harmonious way. This is an essential area necessary for a healthy and long term marriage.
Productive Attitudes VS Non Productive attitudes:
1. Willing to forgive VS the tendency to find fault
2. Attempting to understand VS wanting to argue
3. Showing respect VS willing to offend or criticise
4. Being generally kind VS being selfish and rude
5. Looking for ways to help VS willing to hurt
6. Being trusting VS being jealous in nature
We generally hurt or respond to others similar to how we have been hurt or treated. To sustain a long term relationship requires more positive than negative elements. When we hurt our partner, we create at least two problems from one. When we hurt our partner, we now have a new offense which will require attention plus the original issue which is not only unresolved, but is now much harder to resolve because of the offense. As couples hurt each other, they create additional impasses which further crowd our communications and decisions. Developing and maintaining a positive relationship is essential to developing a long term marriage.
Do opposites really attract?
For some there is a real drawing power from people very different from themselves. It might be the novelty, something which seems exciting, or a way to live in a manner you would never be able to live by yourself! A quiet person might be attracted to a very outgoing person thinking this will better balance their personality.
In reality, significant differences only attract for a short time, then almost always become a negative element. Long term relationships usually occur with people much more alike than different. Even people who have much in common typically find enough to disagree about that big differences only compound the problem!
We must consider the dynamics of our personality with the pattern of a potential mate's personality in order to best have a rewarding relationship:
Love is not enough to sustain a marriage. Far too many couples have fallen for each other by feelings alone and ended in a hurtful divorce or continued in a damaging marriage. Honestly looking at a possible mate's dominant personality traits, how they respond to the issues of life, their level of trust, how quickly anger erupts, and how they have functioned in previous relationships, is a critical area to consider in order to succeed in a relationship for the long term. People almost always put their best foot forward in the early stages of a relationship then when secure, their real nature comes out. If someone must always be right, must always be in control, is always in need of attention or nurture, or has gone through many relationships in a short time period claiming the other person was flawed, they are a poor risk. Understand that you will inherit your partner's flaws just like your partner will have to live with yours. No one is perfect so this is not a matter of finding a perfect person, but finding someone who's flaws balance with your flaws! Through the years I can't coun't the numbers of people who have told me that they were aware of a significant flaw in their spouse, but didn't realize how serious these flaws would be to live with years down the road. Addictions, anger, deceitfullness, unfaithfullness, instability, and serious financial problems are the big ones to look for. There will always be little differences, you can count on that, it's the big issues which need to be considered.
My e-mail address is above, click and communicate!
