#2 THE ABILITY TO RESOLVE PROBLEMS IS ESSENTIAL TO A PRODUCTIVE RELATIONAHIP:

There is no such thing as a person without problems to resolve.  In fact, our life is a never ending string of problems needing our response.  The quicker and better we are able to resolve our current personal matters, the better able we will be to resolve the next ones which come along.  What we want to avoid are problems which get bigger because of our inability to deal with them in effective ways.  These principles are even more true within the confines of the marital relationship.  The better we get at resolving problems, the fewer problems we have to deal with and hopefully, the less critical the problems will be.

Most of our personal conflicts are related to about a dozen areas of struggle.  Listed below are the primary sources which are behind our conflicts;

1.  money and it's uses

2.  issues related to our extended family or our children

3.  communication or perception issues

4.  strong opinions or habits which the other spouse does not accept

5.  our use of time

6.  power struggles or personal selfishness

7.  attempts at changing the other person

8.  failure to fulfill obligations

9.  unresolved past issues which continue to surface (along with the inability to forgive)

10. sexual issues

11. personality flaws or anger which neasily surfaces

12. the inability to adjust to changing needs  

There are a number of basic reasons why resolutions are not found.  First, our pride, our selfish nature, or unwillingness to compromise create a situation where resolutions can not be found.  Secondly, an attempt to be the "good" person or to be able to "blame" the other partner limits honest decision making.  Thirdly, often the real source of the problem is not addressed making it so there can be no real solution.  Fourth, the resolution is not followed or is changed mid-stream so that the end result is flawed.  Finally, a problem is not corrected which creates other problems creating the feeling that the issues are overwhelming.

Commom examples:  you are spending (or hiding money) so I will spend (or hide money) creating a financial problem;  you can't be trusted (when in fact neither is being very trustworthy) so no resolution is followed worsening the problem;  you always get your way so now I want my way (apart from a common sense solution),  you have to be right or have the last word so why even talk;  the issue is who will be found to be at fault rather than finding a solution; or, we don't want to do what is really necessary to correct a problem because we are undisciplined or unwilling to sacrifice!

1.When there are money issues, debt will occur, money wasted, or the marriage will be made financially weaker

2.When there are sexual issues, anger, frustration, verbal abuse or an affair may result

3.When there are communication problems, misunderstandings will follow, incorrect information will result, and resolutions will not be found causing existing issues to go unresolved

4.Issues with children (including those from previous marriages), the kids will use division to control or divide the parents or the children will just be hurt and confused

5.Past issues which are unresolved will grow and become larger until it/they create more problems.  Some issues are not resolvoble, if those include primary needs, they will hurt the marriage

As stated before, the better a couple gets at resolving problems, the fewer and less impactful they will be.  The fact that a problem may be tough to find agreement does not mean it will destroy the relationship.  Those areas require more understanding and compromise.  Anger and critical statements NEVER help resolve issues, they just make a resolution tougher to find.