#1 HEALTHY COMMUNICATION IS ESSENTIAL TO A GOOD MARRIAGE:
Open and honest communication is necessary for a healthy marriage:
Communication is simply the passing of information between people. Communication fails by what is not said or understood rather than by the meaning of the words used themselves. Communication is no better than what we are able to understand. Our dialogue is impacted by a number of important factors such as gender difference, our experience level, how we understand words or concepts, or what our needs are at the moment. There are several root problems in our ability to communicate. First, we are first driven by our personal motivations, good, bad, or ugly. Secondly, communication is dependent on our word clarity and how we understand what is being said. Thirdly, our ability to reason or understand guides our communication, and finally, we are limited by the hurts, anger, or fears we have experienced in the past. Good, effective, productive, and honest communication between people is often tough to achieve. Especially in close or long term relationships.
WHAT ARE THE BASIC SOURCES OF MOST CONFLICTS:
1. We comapre or exaggerate to make our point (rather than seek a more balanced or truthful perspective)
2. We find fault, judge, condemn, or criticise (rather than listen and consider the statements made)
3. We revise our memory, contradict previous statements, or make up new truths (rather than deal with what we have accepted or stated at a prior time)
4. Use rejection or non-verbal rejection (rather than attempt to accept and understand)
5. Base our ideas on unfounded truths (rather than develop a mature response based on a solid foundation)
6. We determine the outcome we want apart from feelings, needs, or practicality of our will (rather than compromise or adjust our wants)
7. The failure to understand how different men and women are in their communication styles (rather than accept that the genders usually listen and communicate in very different ways)
Set a foundation for positive, healthy, and productive marital communication;
First, pick a time and place where you will have ample of time to deal with the issues at hand and not be interrupted. Secondly, pick a topic or several topics to discuss and work at not deviating from them. Thirdly, when a difference arises, work on being civil, respectful, understanding, and honest. Next, if a consensus is not found, shelve the discussion allowing time for both parties to consider their positions. If a decision is needed at that time, look for a way to compromise which respects some elements of both parties input. Don't bring past issues into this discussion, nor position yourself in a place to where you can blame the other if something doesn't work out. Both parties should own a part of the decisions made so blame or contempt don't enter into future discussions. The success of your decisions together sets the stage for future discussions and decisions. Failure does the same!
WHAT ARE THE GREATEST OBSTACLES TO MARITAL COMMUNICATION:
1. FAILURE TO COMPROMISE OR UNIFY
2. GETTING SIDE TRACKED BY THE RE-SURFACING OF PAST ISSUES (IMPASSES)
3. EFFORT TO CONTROL OR GET YOUR WAY
4. WORK AT NOT BEING "BLAMED" OR FOCUSING ON BLAMING THE OTHER PERSON
5. OVER SENSITIVITY
6. SWITCHING SUBJECTS SO THAT THE REAL ISSUE CAN NEVER BE CONFRONTED
7. FAILURE TO FOLLOW THROUGH WITH PAST AGREEMENTS SO THERE IS LITTLE TRUST
8. USING ANGER OR CRITICISM TO DIVERT OR CONTROL THE CONVERSATION
WHAT ARE THE COMPONENTS TO HEALTHY COMMUNICATION:
First, desire to understand each other rather than foster conflict. Secondly, when there is a difference in an opinion or perspective, continue to review each other's statements in an honest, open, and sincere way till clarity can be found. Thirdly, look for ways to compromise rather than villanize each other's perspective. Finally, show interest, concern, and respect for the views of your spouse.
Understand that there are some differences or conflicts which will have no mutually acceptable souutions. Understand that anger, selfishness, control, or becoming a victim will never bring a viable solution to differences. Understand that when we hurt our mates, they will usually hurt us back. Understand that as we create more and more impasses (conflicts which can not be resolved) we reduce the ability to have meaningful discussions. Understand that if you agree to something and don't follow through, mustrust, anger, and retaliation will usually follow. Understand that negativity, contempt, and criticism generally spirals downward, further limiting any productive talking. Finally, understand that if you frequently get your way, there will be a response to limit that outcome apart from what your spouse would normally desire.
Good communication begins with a positive attitude, continues as those involved are able to be open and honest, and is productive as each party is understood and able to have input. The goal of your communication needs to be placed above selfishness or pettiness. People have to be allowed to be open and honest. If we criticise a person being transparent, we diminish the goal of having good communication. If negativity is built into a couple's interactions, the ability to communicate will slowly die. Your relationship is dependent upon your ability to understand and respond to each other. Build on the good qualities, not the ones which cause hurt, confusion, and an unwillingness to be supportive of each other.
